It is Spring time.
The birds have replaced the sun as my natural alarm clock.
Sweet greens are popping out everywhere.
I haven’t worn my winter coat in over a month.
So, the signs are clear. Life is flowing, as it always does, gently from one season into the next.
Then there is I. I feel to be lagging behind, still in some hibernating state, most comfortable on the couch inside, hiding away. But comfortable is a description that can only be applied when used in momentary segments. Right this moment, I am more comfortable sitting inside on the couch, I’d rather be inside than having to get up to be outside, just this split second. Then, the sum of all those ‘right this second’ suddenly turns into a day and so the evenings aren’t comfortable at all as I lament another day wasted.
“This would never happen if I were at work somewhere”, I think to myself. Yet, the whole reason why I left work was precisely that, days feeling wasted. So where does that leave me now?
I am looking for flow.
I know it exists, that it exists for me, for I have experienced it before. Granted, only sporadically, but still enough times to fully overpower any other moments of doubt, fear and darkness. This knowledge is what keeps me going, keeps me working while trying to balance letting go and being in control. Right now I am out of balance. I want to trust, I want to rid myself of these sky high expectations of mine that lead to nothing but disappointment where truly celebration should be present.
Hm, there it is again, that ever so thin band that threads through life, one side light the other dark, leaving only one question: which side do you want to focus on? Like a silk carpet that observed from one side reflects the light and from the other drowns it. We have the power to choose the side. Yet – both exist and isn’t that precisely why we are so fascinated by silk carpets, isn’t that precisely what makes them so unique and beautiful?
There is the flow.
The realization that things are truly what they need to be, that both sides indeed exist and create a third thing. As I, once again, remind myself that I don’t have to fight the darkness but instead embrace it, as part of the bigger more beautiful picture, the calm sets in again. My tight grip on the reigns of my life loosen, helping the blood flow through my entire body again.
I sit, quietly, on my couch.
I feel a gentle smile on my face.
I feel my soul opening up, my own sweet green popping through.
And then, suddenly,
I feel like taking my camera and heading down to the Lake.