I’ve jumped from writing about important causes, to jokes, to a possible haiku, to simply filling out another MeMe to get me writing something. I’ve visited other blogs to see whether anything sparked writing fire.
Nada. Niet. Nichts.
My head starts grumbling not so nice things.
“You do realise you haven’t followed through on December Views?”
Yes. I know.
“Talking about not following through, when’s the last time you went to the gym?”
Maybe I should just go to bed.
But now the argument in my head has started, the back and forth, the ‘be gentle’ against the ‘drill sergeant’ voice. Not again. Not again an evening of that.
I need Heather!
Heather is my therapist. Typing that, after having made the decision not to use the word ‘shrink’ (where did that expression ever come from?), I realize, I don’t like the word therapist either. Not because it is a bad word, but because I don’t feel comfortable admitting that I am actually seeing a therapist. Not a physical one, no, one that specializes on mental issues….. there, it’s a fact…. I have mental issues.
I don’t feel that way. But I do currently need someone to talk to. Someone I actually pay to listen to me. Someone who has to help me untangle the mess my thoughts get themselves into. Like the one I am in right now.
“On a scale of 1 to 10….. “. That’s what Heather loves to ask. I remember the first time she posed that question. ‘Are you kidding me?!’ I thought. How on earth was I supposed to decide on a number describing where I was at right now? What about a 2? What if if I was wrong? What if exaggerated with giving her a 2? Did I really feel a 2 at every given time? Stress pearls appeared on my forehead. “It depends….. “, I started answering. I would not commit. Not even to a temporary assessment of my reality.
She eventually got me to jump, to decide, to risk making the life altering decision of picking a number on the scale of 1 to 10. You’d think we would have stopped there. But you don’t know Heather. She immediately followed up with the next brutal question:
“Which number do you need to be at to ___________ (fill in solution statement for problem)?” adding a suddenly easier
“What will it take to get you there?”
Now I love ‘On a scale of 1 to 10’. And I respect and adore Heather. I’ve been to psychologists before and I always came out knowing more about them then they did about me, leaving me with a very poor image of that entire profession. Too easy to see through their text book questions, and how they turned any answer I gave into their preconceived image of who people are. “What is the first memory you can remember in regards to your parents?” Give me a break! What does that have to do with anything?
Heather isn’t predictable that way. In fact, I never know what is going to escape her mouth next. Mind boggling. And she is smart. Very smart. She understands that no matter what she might be seeing, it never tells the whole story of who I am, what I am thinking. So smart, that when Spaz wants to go down a road that we’ve already established isn’t helpful, she won’t follow. No matter how good my sob story may sound.
Plus she is stubborn. More stubborn than I am, and I can be very stubborn. She is stubborn in such a beautiful, softly positive way, that I forget about winning. What sense is there in arguing with someone who just gets it, who is right? Not right in a universal way, right in a ‘there is no right or wrong’-kinda way.
Most of all, she is real. I have a very sensitive nose when it comes to realness. With Heather, I have a conversation with another wise, human being meanwhile I myself feel like one. Realizations and answers appear magically from within myself. That’s what Heather is, a Magician.
Unlike any other Magician, Heather reveals the secrets on how she triggers my inner voice, how she helps me hear the my own truth. This way I can start practicing for my life ‘without Heather’.
Like this moment. She wouldn’t be doing ‘on a scale of 1 to 10’. She would ask questions focusing on what went better, what I have accomplished ignoring the things I haven’t.
Me: “Well, I did not give up. I did write something.”
Heather: “How did you do that?”
Me: “I don’t know. I guess I just accepted what was happening and somehow used it as a base rather than using my entire energy to fight its existence”.
Heather: “Wow, isn’t that a powerful insight?”
I smile. Heather is not sitting opposite me this evening and yet she has planted the magical seed well enough to enable me harvest the fruit of my own wisdom without her presence. Instead of having another rotten evening, I am filled with light. I am filled with gratitude for having Heather in my life and pride in my own ability to learn.
Thank you Heather.