I try to be a good person, I really do. I also try to live by the 10 commandments, not necessarily because I am a devote Christian but because they make sense to me in my quest to be a good on the way to better person.
Sometimes I fail. Like I did today. I am writing the events down in an effort to a) clear my conscience and b) highlight the extenuating circumstances in hopes of forgiveness.
But let me start from the beginning by setting the scene. I have just returned home, outside the night has fallen and so I turn on lights as I enter the apartment. At first everything seems fine and I am glad to be able to settle down on the couch and enjoy a movie.
Suddenly my sixth sense alerts me that something is wrong. I look up to the ceiling and there he is, about 2.5 feet above my head, a spider leisurely crawling along the ceiling towards the couch on which I plan to sit.
I jump to the side by which time my body has already covered itself in goosebumps. In shock I immediately realize two things: 1) I am still afraid of spiders. 2) The spider unfriendly winter months are over and it will take many moons until I will feel completely safe in my apartment again.
But I don’t have much time for he needs to be stopped before he is over the couch. I run to the broom closet and look for the most appropriate killing machine (preferable 100% lethal with a very long handle). Had we been in the strengthening power of daylight I might have had the courage to show mercy, but with the flickering lamp throwing a shadow doubling the size of the enemy, I have no choice. While staring at my options I quickly redress my feet with socks and the thickest soled shoes I own. Somehow that gives me an additional sense of confidence and power.
By the time I get back to the last sighting with my microfiber mop, the nightmare had just gotten bigger: he is no longer were he was and nowhere to be seen. There is only one thing worse than seeing a spider and that is loosing sight of it!
My mind starts racing, and like a spider profiler, I try and figure out where he could be gone to. First, I rule out him actually finishing his trek across the ceiling, last time I checked arachnoids don’t travel at warp speed. But he could have launched himself pretty much anywhere on his thread, they can fly through the air for miles that way!
Next realization: gravity works just the same. Without the force of the wind to propel him forward, he is too heavy to float all the way over to the couch (thank God). This still leaves the bike, potentially the table, bookshelf or the floor. Since he isn’t a
a black spider, he is a beast to spot against the floor or anywhere else for that matter.
Fuck, I think to myself, I won’t have a relaxed moment unless I lock myself in the bedroom and put a towel along the floor gap. I am frustrated with the fact that the spider-desensitization I performed on myself last summer has obviously lost its effectiveness. Now I will have to spend lots of energy gaining back the power over those otherwise quite useful creatures.
My eyes continue searching and there he is, hanging midway from the ceiling on his way down to the floor. Goosebumps at a max. I discard my first weapon of choice as there is too much possible room for error. I need a larger, heavier and flatter killing surface. Luckily he is taking his time rappelling.
I spot an LCBO Food and Drink magazine and grab it. Now I have to wait for exactly the right moment. He has to have fully landed on the floor. There! My sharp and trained mind knows exactly how to size up his crawling (yuuuuck!!!) speed against the altitude from which I have to drop the magazine to a) have lethal force and b) actually hit him. Slap!
I shiver. I quickly grab the broom and hit the mag a few times, not in uncontrolled rage but out of pure desperation and to avoid him actually reappearing from underneath. Then I move the mag and there he is, crumpled into a heap, which instantly gives me more goosebumps combined with a deep feeling of guilt. The poor guy never stood a chance, even though I have felt like the victim throughout this entire ordeal.
Immediately I ask his soul for forgiveness and send a prayer to spider heaven. A quick roll over with the smart vac and he is definitely gone.
I make it to the couch. Socks stay on for now as it just doesn’t feel as safe here anymore. Every time a hair tickles my neck, more goosebumps. It is going to be a long Spring, Summer and Fall.